For the past two days there has been a massive heaviness in my spirit. I woke up this morning with sadness and anxiety that I couldn’t shake off. Yesterday I was so vulnerable with God confessing all of my weaknesses to him. Being so honest with God and myself left me with the realization that I have felt unloved. I know that God loves me but there is difference in knowing and actually believing. Yesterday I understood the magnitude of how broken I am because I was literally asking God to consistently overwhelm me with his love. I felt so empty.
For years I have been trying to perfect my strength. All of the past hurts of things done or said to me I pretended that it didn’t affect me and pushed forward. I would act cruelly towards people because of things I secretly held onto. I would never allow myself to love wholeheartedly because I was to afraid of getting hurt. Even with God I would always try and be strong in my own strength never allowing him to shower me with the love he has for me and always trying prove that I was strong in whatever situation that I found myself.
I have lied to myself for a long time. I am strong but my heart is so so so gentle. I feel things so deeply and because of that I have held on to my strength so that my heart wouldn’t be broken. Instead of allowing God to protect my heart I tried to protect it myself. During my quiet time today, God led me to some scripture that has given me so much joy and peace. Isaiah 58:6-12 says “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.“If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”
This promise blew me away and showed me the incredible love God has for me!!!! While I was reading this I felt God say “this is me using your weakness.” I am a repairer of broken walls. I am a restorer of streets with dwellings. He is using a broken young woman to help broken people. I am broken to help the broken!!! I can no longer be strong in myself but be strong in the Lord. Jesus needs me to be broken and come to him in my weakness so that I can bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free!!!!!